Strengthen your connection muscle

Image by Sara Hagale

If I had to pick one, my top personal value would be Connection. And I’m not alone. It’s one of the most common values that my clients choose too. 

(Do your own values exercise here.)

It’s also the thing that a lot of us are feeling estranged from right now, with the pandemic in our rear view mirror.

In my client sessions, I hear reverberations of the same message — I haven't found my people. I’m lonely. Maybe there's something wrong with me. 

Why are so many of us feeling disconnected when we could all just find each other and meet and dance and be merry?

Sometimes the ‘finding each other’ part feels like the blocker. Sometimes it's the ‘opening myself up’ part.

The U.S. already had waning options for ‘third spaces’- hubs for community building- before Covid. The pandemic plunged us further into isolation, asking us to adapt to a very small life with very few people.

The result is that many of us have emerged from the pandemic with heightened levels of social anxiety and atrophied social muscles. We want to be invited to join social things but aren’t doing any inviting ourselves. The result is…less connection.

We need to get back into the habit of being in relationship with one another again. We need to stumble through the clumsy interactions that sort of made us cringe and want to hide, but were actually okay and not that bad, and to do more and more of that until we feel like we’re not aliens but normal-ish human beings with plenty of light and life to give.

So how do we do that..?

I think to my friend Smiley's book “Friendship in the Age of Loneliness” where he shares recipes for how to build and maintain friendships. Two particular tactics of his that have really stuck with me are:

1. To just text someone or call them when they cross your mind. Don’t overthink it.

2. The importance of a “long hang” — to move past just catching up, spend more time together to deepen intimacy and make new memories

Inspired by Smiley's list, here are some ways I recommend considering to strengthen your connection muscles:

Warm up: 💪

- go on a walk and smile at someone you pass

- go sit/work at a coffee shop and look around you

- make small talk with a stranger

Lighter lifts: 💪💪

- text a friend telling them you’re thinking of them

- talk to a friend on the phone

- go on a walk with a local friend

- share how you’re feeling socially with people you trust

Heavier lifts: 💪💪💪

- go to an event

- organize something social at work

- throw a party!?

- plan a longer getaway with friends

Like any sort of skill building, it will take repetition and time to solidify a habit and actually improve. So be compassionate with yourself along the way!